Once upon a time ...

I don't usually even send on those emails that do the rounds. But I've just received one I like so much I thought it belonged here.

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parents' recent nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind, sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping, and found another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner."

When I'm queen of the world ...

If in another lifetime I get reincarnated as (however unlikely it may seem) someone in charge of some sort of retail operation or other service to the public, here are the first three things I'm-a gonna do:

1) Hire adequate, or perhaps slightly more than adequate, numbers of staff.

2) Draw up watertight employment agreements with lots of detail in them about the rights and responsibilities of the position. (For example: the bright pink hair is okay. The dirty bright pink hair is not okay.)

3) Train all such staff members as will be dealing with the general public in (a) their job duties, and (b) dealing with the general public. The latter will include

(a) Smiling.
(b) Making eye contact.
(c) Speaking clearly and audibly (none of the current yoof fashion of talking vowellessly with your mouth shut except to give the occasional imitation of a strangled cat).
(d) Answering any question put to you as best you can.
(e) Offering help when help is obviously needed.
(f) Not addressing any group of people more than 20 years older than you as "Guys".
(g) Keeping your bum crack out of people's faces. This is particularly important if you are a waitress or waiter, in which case you also need to keep it out of the food.

Also, you kids get off my lawn. Again.